Doc A's

Humor Page

 

 

"Sacred cows make the best hamburger."

--Mark Twain

 

 

 

A little food humor . . .

 

 

 

 

If you are not supposed

to eat animals . . .

 

 

 

 

 

. . . then why are they made out of meat?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pork:  the other white meat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is what happens to pumpkins who drink too much!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A New Version of an Old Favorite

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you ever eat a great salmon dinner and wonder

how it was caught?  Click on the picture to find out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  You shouldn't believe in stereotypes!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll have fries with that . . .

 

 

 

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Let's take the subway and avoid traffic!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"People become sociologists because they hate society, and they become psychologists because they hate themselves."

--Dan Seligman, Forbes (11-27-00)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Iconoclastic Humor

of H. L. Menken

 

 

 

 

 

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded  all the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash  in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind  the counter on the shelf.

 

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused,  saying "I don't believe you are over 21."

 

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.  At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

 

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.

 

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.  The cashier promptly called the police and gave them the name and address that he got off the license.  They arrested the robber two hours later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.  They put up a sign reading:

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to:

"Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to:

"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried:

 "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.

Then came:

"Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But is was still not good! So they tried: 

"Minds and Behinds"

"Analysis and Anal Cysts"

"Nuts and Butts"

"Freaks and Cheeks"

"Loons and Moons"

"Lost Souls and Butt Holes"

None worked.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."

APPROVED!

 

 

 

 Think the next time you kiss your dog!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Say No!

 

 

 

 

 

Pinky's Revenge !

 

 

 

 

 

Billboards You Are Not Likely To See

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"A Blonde Pilot"


A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day.  As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the solo helicopter by radio.  He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.  After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.  "I'm doing great! I love it!  The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."  After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.  The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.  A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know!   Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.  I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A bicycle can't stand alone

because it is two-tired.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How about a little Environmentalist humor? . . .

 

 

 

 

Yuppie Environmentalism:

Use an "environmentally responsible" credit card to ease your conscience while you buy your TV's, VCRs, designer clothes made in Asian sweatshops and the gas to feed your new Sports Utility Vehicle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

  

 

 
 
EARTH FIRST:

Strip mine the other planets later!

  

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How about a little male - female humor?

 

 

 

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily  jumping naked on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammography, and the doctor says that I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replies.

 

Men!              Sister's Unite!

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was really tight when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen.  When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."  And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. 

 

Well, he died.  He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.  When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!"  She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.  Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.  

 

So her friend said "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." 

 

"I am a GOOD WOMAN, I can't go back on my word.  I promised him that I was going put that money in that casket with him." 

 

"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him?

 

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender; for example,

1)   Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


2)  Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.  It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3)  Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4)  Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5)  Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6)  Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7)  Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8)  Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9)  Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10)  Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

Male vs. Female Wiring

   

 

 

 

 

 

How about a few antique postcards . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 

Beer Alert.......

Yesterday, a scientist for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TV anchorwoman Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

 

In a follow-up story, she returned to Kuwait recently and observed that men now walked several yards behind their wives.

 

Ms. Walters approached one of the Kuwaiti women and said, "This is marvelous! Can you tell the free world just what it was that enabled women here to achieve this total reversal of roles in a comparatively short period of time?"

 

The woman replied, "Land mines."

 

 

 

Early Women's Studies Course

 

 

 

 

 

Men are SO predictable!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Women 's Parking Lot

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wife School

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you call a cow that can't give milk? . . .

. . . An udder failure!

 

 

 

French Hyundai Advertisement

 

 

 

 

Here's a guy who knows what he wants! . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

 

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

 

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

 

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

Why Women Live Longer than Men

 

 

 

  

  

 

 

 

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This is one way to clean your sinuses . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Disputes within anthropology have a way of becoming blood feuds. Virtually all of the field's leading figures have been struck by poison arrows. Margaret Mead? Dupe! Franz Boas? Spy! Colin Turnbull? Hoaxer! Marshall Sahlins? Imperialist! Indeed, the excessive ferocity of anthropological warfare has fractured the discipline and tarnished its public image. It's become the academic equivalent of "The Jerry Springer Show."

     --Daniel Zalewski, New York Times (10-8-2000)

 

 

 

 

 

Here are a few "W" jokes . . .

 

 

 

 

Let's not forget our former "White Trash" president . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

. . . and his wife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let's Play Kosher Millionaire . . .


You have been selected to play "So You Wouldn't Mind Being a Kosher
Millionaire - You Should Only Live So Long." You have three lifelines to
help you, as follows:

 
  1.  You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
  2.  You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
  3.  You may consider your spouse's opinion ... or not.


Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your Mother will give you her opinion.
Lets play:

For $100:
   Q.   What is the name of the Russian Space Station that crashed and burned on re-entry?
   A.   Oy Veys Mir

For $200
  Q.   How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner?
  A.   All right, everybody get in the car.

For $500
  Q.   Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
  A.   Netanyahoo.

For $1,000
  Q.   What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
  A.   Oil of Oy Vey.

For $2,000
  Q.   What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
  A.   Debbila Does Windows

For $4,000
  Q.   What is the technical term for a Jewish woman who catches her husband in the act with his secretary?
  A.   "The Plaintiff."

For $8,000
  Q.   How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
  A.   "Nyah Nyah, Your Mother pays retail."

For $16,000
  Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
  A. When it graduates from medical school.

For $32,000
  Q.   What do Jewish women do to keep their hands soft and nails long and beautiful?
  A.   Nothing.

For $64,000
  Q.   Define "Genius."
  A.   A "C" student with a Jewish mother.

For $125,000
  Q.   How do you know when a Jewish woman is about to have an orgasm?
  A.   She puts down her nail file.

For $250,000
  Q.   When should a Moyel retire?
  A.   When he can't cut it anymore.

For $500,000
  Q.   If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
  A.   A fur coat.

For $1,000,000
  Q.   What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother?
  A.   The accent
 

 

 

 

 

Nuns on Vacation

 

 

 

 

 

 

Strange Doings . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Duh . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And you thought your job was crap!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Watch this film

before you go out this weekend!

 

 

 

 

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