Doc A's

Second

Humor Page

 

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Some Assorted Quotes

 

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

     --Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

     --Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

    --Drew Carey

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

     --Rod Stewart

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

     --Jeff Foxworthy

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only  enough blood to run one at a time."

     --Robin Williams

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

     --Dave Barry

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"

     --Marilyn Pittman

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.  There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

     --Bob Ettinger
 

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach youhow to swim."

     --Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

     --Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

     --Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

     --Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

     --Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but! they turned sixty, and that's the law."

     --Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

  --Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

     --Oscar Wilde


"Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . but I repeat myself."

     --Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

     --A. Whitney Brown

"Ah, yes, divorce.......,  from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

     --Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

     --Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

     --Billy Crystal

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' 

     --Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

     --Unknown, presumed deceased

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Your Government Working to Protect You

 

 

 

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How About a Little Play on Words?

 

1.     A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2.     What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3.     Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4.     A backward poet writes inverse.

5.     In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

6.     She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7.     A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8.     If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9.     With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10.     Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11.     When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12.     The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13.     A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14.     You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15.     Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16.     He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17.     Every calendar's days are numbered.

18.     A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19.     A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20.     He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21.     A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22.     The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23.     Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24.     When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25.     Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26.     When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27.     Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28.     Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.

29.     Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30.     Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 

 

 

 

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Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender serves it. Descartes drinks it down and puts the mug down on the bar.  "Another one??" the bartender asks.  Descartes replies "I think not".  . . . and disappears.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Feel the Warmth!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Men are like . . .

 

Men are like  . . .  Laxatives  . . . 

They irritate the shit out of you.

 

Men are like   . . .  Bananas   . . . 

The older they get, the less firm they are.

 

Men are like   . . .  Vacations   . . . 

They never seem to be long enough.

 

Men are like   . . .  Weather   . . . 

Nothing can be done to change them.

 

Men are like   . . .  Blenders   . . . 

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

 

Men are like   . . .  Chocolate Bars   . . . 

Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

 

Men are like   . . .  Coffee   . . . 

The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.

 

Men are like   . . .  Commercials   . . . 

You can't believe a word they say.

 

Men are like   . . .  Department Stores . . . 

Their clothes are always off.

 

Men are like   . . .  Government Bonds   . . . 

They take soooooooo long to mature.

 

Men are like   . . .  Mascara   . . . 

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

 

Men are like   . . .  Popcorn   . . . 

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

 

Men are like   . . .  Snowstorms   . . . 

You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

 

Men are like   . . .  Lava Lamps   . . . 

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

 

Men are like   . . .  Parking Spots   . . . 

All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The End of the Rainbow . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Men:   Check out the following website for information on beer drinking and the need to be careful.

 

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are a South African bush pilot. You fly in some critical medical supplies, enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital.

It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back up to the cool, high blue yonder.

On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade, within 10 miles, has become very popular . . . You start calculating the distance to the plane door . and wonder . . .

"Do I feel lucky today?"

 


 

 


 

 

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Some Interesting Signs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If only it were true . . .

 

 

 

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Why Men Are Afraid to Ask for Directions

 

 

 

 

 

 

Parrots are Such Pretty Birds

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Catholic Heart Attack

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.  He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.  As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.  She asked if he had health insurance.  He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."  The nun asked if he had money in the bank.  He replied, "No money in the bank."  The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"  He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."  The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!  Nuns are married to God."  The patient then replied, "Well, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paris, France vs. Paris Kentucky

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why the Elderly Should Not Skydive

 

 

 

 

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A couple was taking a stroll in a lovely park when they came upon a wishing well.

The woman leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a penny.

Her husband decided he wanted to make a wish, also.  Unfortunately, he leaned over too far, fell down into the well, and drowned.

The woman stood there shaken for a moment, and then exclaimed,   "...HOLY SHIT...IT WORKS!!!..."

 

 

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It's wonderful that there's room for everyone in this world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TRANSLATIONS

 

 

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French motorcycle?

 

EX POST FUCTO -- Lost in the mail.

 

IDIOS AMIGOS -- We're wild and crazy guys!

 

VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

 

COGNITO EGGO SUM -- I think; therefore I am a waffle.

 

RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead.

 

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish.

 

QUE SERA SERF -- Life is feudal.

 

LE ROI EST MORT.  JIVE LE ROI -- The king is dead.  No kidding.

 

POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous.

 

PRO BOZO PUBLICO -- Support your local clown.

 

MONAGE A TROIS -- I am three years old.

 

FELIX NAVIDAD -- Our cat has a boat.

 

HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French food.

 

VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied.

 

QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast retort.

 

ALOHA OY --  Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.

 

MAZEL TON -- tons of luck.

 

APRES MOE LE DELUGE -- Larry and Curly got wet.

 

PORTE-KOCHERE -- Sacramental wine.

 

ICH LIEBE RICH -- I'm really crazy about having dough.

 

VISA LA FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it.

 

CA VA SANS DIRT -- And that's not gossip.

 

MERCI RIEN -- Thanks for nothing!

 

AMICUS PURIAE -- Platonic friend.

 

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO -- I'm bossy around here.

 

COGNITO, ERGO SPUD -- I think, therefore I yam.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now you know why they call it the "WHY?" Chromosome!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

L'Amour

 

 

 

 

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Football game analyzed  . . .  by a blonde


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' HELLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?

 

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This could happen to you . . .

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

"Doin' just fine!"


And the otherperson says:

"So what are you up to?"


What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"


At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over?"


Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell
them ,
"No...I'm a little busy right now!!!"

 


Then I hear the
person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Bill Clinton Presidential Library

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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In 1875, James Steven Hogg, the first native born Texan to become governor of that state (1891-1895), named his daughter Ima.

 

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Here are a couple more interesting names . . .

Mark Lemongello

A pitcher for the Houston Astros in the 1970s.

 

Shanda Lear

Daughter of Bill and Moya Lear (of Lear Jet fame).

 

 

 

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The Greatest Action Story Ever Told

A Slightly Different Version

of the Original Story

 

 

 

 

 

BEAST Magazine Picks . . .

 

The 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2004

 

 

 

 

 

 

Protect Your Car from the elements

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A "Live" Newscasters Worst Nightmare!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Measurement Wordplay

 

 

1.    Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

 

2.    2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

 

3.    1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope

 

4.    Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

 

5.    Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

 

6.    Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knot furlong

 

7.    16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

 

8.    Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon

 

9.    1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

 

10.    Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower

 

11.    Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line

 

12.    453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake

 

13.    1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone

 

14.    1 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles.

 

15.    365.25 days? = 1 unicycle

 

16.    2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds

 

17.    10 cards? = 1 decacards

 

18.    1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton

 

19.    1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen.

 

20.    1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche

 

21.    1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin

 

22.   10 rations? = 1 decoration

 

23.   100 rations? = 1 C-ration.

 

24.    2 monograms? = 1 diagram

 

25.    8 nickels? = 2 paradigms

 

26.    2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? = 1 I.V. League

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Make Love, Not Terror

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nursery Rhymes Revised

 

 

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings horses and all the kings men

Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

 

 

Mary had a little lamb.

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

Between two hunks of bread.

 

JACK AND JILL went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 The Fox News "Jennifer Lopez Blooper"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How about another sequel?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HUMOR FOR LINGUISTS

 

1.    A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2.    What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3.    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4.    A backward poet writes inverse.

5.    In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

6.    She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7.    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8.    If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9.    With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10.    Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11.    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12.    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13.    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14.    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15.    Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16.    He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17.    Every calendar's days are numbered.

18.    A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19.    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20.    He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21.    A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22.    The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23.    Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24.    When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25.    Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26.    When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27.    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28.    Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.

29.    Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30.    Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't blame the copier if you don't like the picture.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some men have great imaginations!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday to You!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Need to Test the Water before You Swim

 

 

 

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How About a Little Anthropological Humor?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Creationism Explained

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sacred Texts

 

 

The following four men composed the sacred texts to which modern Christianity traces its roots and upon which contemporary Christians base their belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ.  These men still inspire the faithful, who vehemently oppose any attempt to abandon their ideas.

 

Matthew

Mark

Luke

John

 

 

 

 

The following three men composed the sacred texts to which modern Sociology traces its roots and upon which contemporary Sociologists base their belief in the teachings of Sociology.  These men still inspire the faithful, who vehemently oppose any attempt to abandon their ideas.

 

 

Emile Durkheim

 

Max Weber

Karl Marx

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Truth in Advertising

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Little Western Humor . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

. . . And Attitude !

 

 

 

 

Gotta Love It !

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why some people wake up in the morning with bad breath.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be careful when you take a pee

along the side of the road.

 

 

 

 

 

Human Evolution . . .

 

 

 

 

 

. . . and Wal-Mart is there to provide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) -- Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E & J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I.

She said: "The right name is important."

So, here we go: the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart wine.

12.     Chateau Traileur Parc

11.      White Trashfindel

10.      Big Red Gulp

 

 
 

9.      Grape Expectations

8.      Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

7.      NASCARbernet

6.      Chef Boyardeaux

5.      Peanut Noir

4.      Chateau des Moines

3.      I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2.      World Championship Riesling


...And the Number 1 name for Wal-Mart wine.....

1.      Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with both white (possum) and red meat (squirrel).

 

 





 

 

 

 

 

Papal Rock

 

 

 

 

 

How about a room

 

at the

Paris

?

 

 

 

 

Watch Out!

 

 

because this . . .

 

can lead to this . . .

 

 

 

Here's one convention I'll never be invited to!

 

 

 

A Letter to Dr. Ruth

 

 

 

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